38.72, 41.34, 41.65, 41.49 (2:43.20)
41.51, 41.27, 41.30, 41.12 (2:43.20)
41.09, 41.28, 41.20, 40.49 (2:43.66)
40.39, 40.21, 39.69, 38.28 (2:38.57)

I jabbed my fingertips into the touchpad at the finish, free in the 200 medley relay, and my elbow snapped the wrong way. Sharp pain that drew tears, took the breath out of my body that the 50 free hadn’t, filled the space with panic. I touched it, twisted it, bent it and straightened it, tried to ignore its ache as I warmed down. You’re okay. You’re okay.

I wasn’t. I walked back to the nest we’d made on the deck and felt only a tempest of fear rising inside me. I grabbed my ipod, trying to create a protective bubble. I still had my cap on and I put the headphones over it, but it still didn’t isolate me. I could hear the noise from the pool behind my music like a shadow, and it was suffocating. If you look out all you’d see is open space, high ceilings, but I felt trapped. You do not have time to panic. I closed my eyes, pressed the headphones closer to my ears, you do not have time to panic. My 200 free was ten minutes away. I watched the clock, the tenths numbers flying like they were trying to catch up with something, as if they were racing too.

If you are scared, walk confidently
If you are anxious, smile

If you are in the middle lane, win
If you aren’t, steal the race from the chick who is

I tried to whip back and forth between the walls fast enough that I didn’t have to feel anything. I raced, I watched the girls beside me and tried to stay even then out-touch them, I did it from the surreal place where you are half trying to be present and half trying to disappear. I went out in a 1:16 and came back in a 1:17, soft-touching because of the elbow pain I still felt.

I ran to the warm down pool and just started crying, not panicking but coming down from it. The thing about crying when you’re swimming is that no one knows; you’re face down and tears fill the smoked lenses of goggles. I swam until the saltiness of it stung, until my strokes had sucked the demon energy out of me. I clung to the wall until I’d filled the anxiety space with breaths again.

Mike found me in the hallway between the pool and the locker rooms, hiding behind the glass. It was empty, quieter than being on the pool deck. How was your 200? I shrugged an okay. “2:33.” He told me that’s worth a 2:17 in yards and I smiled weakly. It wasn’t the time I was upset about, it was how it felt, or didn’t.

My 100 in the 400 free relay hurt and I was happy with it, anaerobic sprint hell, 1:15.14. I started fast and got faster, enjoying the fury of it, pulling ahead from the other girls on the second lap. Kicking, it felt good to kick HARD, kicking out all the negative energy I’d had from the day. The physical motion of it, KICKING. It catches up with you after, you’re not out of breath until you’re out of the pool and then I could only suck air back into my lungs, watching the rest of my team swim. We won, 4:44.xx. YEAH.

If you are on the blocks, forget everything
If you are racing, race harder

If it hurts, let it
If it doesn’t, make it

36.62, 39.43, 39.24, 38.50

I don't care what your seed time is and I don't care what lane you're in. I don't care if you're wearing a fastskin, a two piece, or your drag suit. I don't care if you're tapered or tired, the swimmer who wins is the swimmer who wants it the most.

The race I wanted today wasn't the 400m free, it wasn't the 100m free, it wasn't my second chance at a 200 time. It was the 400 medley, it was the hat trick for my women's relay team.

The freestylist swims last in the medley relay. My butterflier had a stroke's lead and I swam scared. It hurt like hell but I wasn't going to lose that race. Swim like lightning liquified, suck it up and just let it burn. Hat trick hat trick hat trick yeah there's your magic, seven second win.

These are the races that I didn't want badly enough: 400m free, 5:18.58. 100m free, 1:16.xx (kept turning too early and wasn't getting anything from the walls - the swimming was good but the turns weren't and in a 100, they matter). My 200 split in the 800m free relay, 2:37. That one, a beautifully piked dive and four strokes later, I've got nothing you've got everything it hurts suck it up I've got nothing you've got a 100 left so TRY.

Zach wanted that race. This is the fun relay, two chicks and two guys. Me, Amy, Son, Zach. And one lane over, Pieter. Zach wanted revenge - Pieter beat him in the 200 free and that's Zach's event. He dove in with a little bit of a lead, swimming scared like I had earlier, took that lead and won by 15m. The races that are fun to win aren't the ones that you out-touch someone; they're the ones you CRUSH the other team.

It's this simple: want it badly enough and the pain is bearable, want it badly enough you'll take that race.

1:19.01
1:21.17
1:20.24
1:18.16

1:14.22 for my 100 free in the 400 medley

200 in the 800 free relay were 37.60, 1:18.00, 1:58.45, 2:37.53

35.91 in our 200 free relay

Meet results